“Nip it in the bud immediately. Don’t ignore things. Don’t hope it’ll go away.”
Steve H., in an abusive marriage for five years
“If you have real issues with someone and it crosses the line, they have broken your heart or done something to injure you - I should have stopped right there instead of trying to come up with a reason why she did that.”
Mike T., in an abusive marriage for ten years
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Assistance for Men in Abusive Relationships
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Ultimately, we only have control over our own choices and our own actions. You cannot change her, only she can do that. However, you can change things for yourself, through your way of thinking, as well as your circumstances. It may be difficult, but it is important to realize: No one can control or abuse another person (apart from being disabled and imprisoned) without some level of cooperation on their part. If you stay in an abusive relationship, for whatever good reasons you may have, you are giving your consent by default. The good news is, you can change this arrangement whenever you are ready.
Here are some ideas and guidelines on what you can do:
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Take an honest look at yourself and your situation
Are you both abusing each other or is it one-sided?
- If it’s both of you, it’s called “mutual combat” or mutually abusive, and you are not a victim by the classic definition. Her behavior is no excuse for your bad behavior and vice versa. Stop what you are doing and ask her to stop also. Make a pact and get some outside help so both of you can make real changes in your relationship. If you are willing and she is not, it's up to you to make a decision and choose to do what is best, healthy and honorable.
- If she is the only abuser, you are a victim of abuse and it’s going to be up to you to change this. It is never too late to go from victim to survivor. You are not meant to go through this alone; you will need guidance and support to get completely past what has happened to you. No real changes will happen in an abusive relationship without a pro-active intervention - it will only cycle back around; so get your self ready to deal with this on your own terms, regardless of what she does.
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If your relationship is emotionally abusive but not yet violent, do not minimize the current problem or the potential for violence down the line. Emotional abuse is harmful and damaging. Furthermore, it can turn physical in an instant, particularly when threats of violence are being made. This is a serious problem that needs serious attention.
- Do not underestimate her ability to harm you; this is a common, critical mistake men make about women. Women can be very resourceful. Consider what it means if a resourceful woman is also abusive, controlling, angry, with malicious motives and/or violent tendencies... Make no mistake: She can absolutely harm you if she really wants to.
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It is not your fault, despite what she’s told you
- Abuse is not okay, ever; it is never an acceptable way to behave toward someone. She alone is responsible for how she chooses to treat you. On a deeper level, abusers know their behavior is wrong, which is why they attempt to blame you for the abuse they are inflicting on you; it is an attempt to justify their own bad behavior. Do not accept this as true. At best, she believes her own lies; at worst, it’s a lie she uses to control you; and often, both of these will be accurate.
- We are all responsible for our own behavior, regardless of how others choose to behave. Her refusal to accept this does not make it any less true. Therefore, the reasons she finds to blame you for what she does are irrelevant; stop giving them serious consideration. If she is justified in confronting something she doesn’t like between you, abusing you is never an acceptable way to react.
- No one should have to live their life being abused by someone they love.
- No one has a right to abuse another person.
- You don’t deserve this.
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Assess your level of danger
(1) Everything is changed now from when things were really good between you. She is very controlling and manipulative toward you and things seem to have taken a negative turn.
(2) She is often angry with you, saying mean and painful things. She denies it, but it seems like she is sneaking around behind you, trying to catch you in lies, waiting for you to fail her.
(3) No matter what you do, if it's not her idea, it’s wrong and causes a fight. You are seeing how angry she can get, and her reactions seem extreme.
(4) She is behaving badly, perhaps even in public now. She is falsely accusing you of bad behavior, and some of the accusations are the very things she is actually doing to you.
(5) She is likely to throw things at the wall during a fight and be physically destructive to make her point.
(6) She is likely to throw things at you during a fight, and she has physically struck you at this point.
(7) Even during the cooling off period following a fight, she doesn't seem to cool off. She can fly back into a rage easily and can't let it go. Things are getting progressively worse now.
(8) When she is angry, you sleep separately with the door locked, just in case, to avoid a physical ambush while you sleep.
(9) Fights are almost always include physical attacks. She says she wishes you were dead or has threatened to kill you.
(10) She has threatened to kill you before but this time she’s acting differently; strangely quiet, smug or secretive. She may make a strange attempt to reconcile suddenly, but it doesn't make sense and it doesn't feel right.These are examples of how abuse can escalate over time, bearing in mind that every relationship is unique. However, there is danger at the lowest end of the scale, and the ultimate danger at the high end. Both require a serious change of circumstances. Listen to your inner voice - what do your instincts tell you? By all means, if you find yourself at the high end of the scale, act quickly to put safety measures in place. Please don’t wait and see how it goes.
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Gather your resources and plan your next move
- Get advice from a local domestic violence advocacy agency
- National Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) - "Stop Abuse For Everyone"
- The national hotline will direct you to local agencies in your area; this hotline in particular, acknowledges the abuse of men
- Documentation
- If you haven't already, start documenting what is happening. Write it down, make note of witnesses, document verbal threats word for word if possible. Save all emails, voice mails, texts etc. that demonstrate the threatening, abusive nature of the relationship. If the relationship is violent, take photos of property damage and injuries including bruises, scratches etc. through the course of their healing.
- Go to your medical doctor right away for treatment of your injuries and documentation of your injuries as well. Physicians are madated reporters for abuse, so they will document the abuse in your medical record and they will want to know what your next step is going to be. Be prepared to take the next step in officially documenting the abuse, ie: A police report, Emergency Protection Order or a Temporary Restraining Order.
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Police Intervention
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Filing a police report and pressing charges against an abuser who is violent or threatening violence, is an important step in documenting and stopping the abuse. Stalking and harrassment are also against the law, so there are legal means to protect yourself. Find out what the criteria are for these laws and what your options are.
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The police are trained to help everyone who needs protection from abuse; and though you may feel because you are a man, the police won't believe you, the protection of the law is designed to protect you too.
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An Emergency Protection Order (EPO) is a legal restraining order the police can put into place immediately, if the threat against you is significant enough to warrant it; that is, if the threat is significant and imminent. This will restrict her access to you upon threat of arrest if she does not comply.
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In a real crisis, if she is violent and attempting to injure you, try to get away. If you can't get out of the situation, dial 911 and let the police help you.
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If things are out of control and you try to stay and handle it yourself, not only do you risk being seriously injured, you run the risk of injuring her during an altercation; if you strike back and injure her, you will be held acountable for your actions.
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Legal assistance
- Counseling and therapy
- If you are being abused, there are many good reasons to seriously consider counseling:
- Therapy provides no guarantee for healthy changes in a broken relationship; what is does provide is an understanding of the changes that need to occur, guidance on how to make those changes and clarity about the level of commitment both partners actually bring to eachother and their willingness to make real, necessary changes.
- If you're planning to leave the relationship, it is important to remember that an abusive relationship has lasting effects. Abuse is harmful in all apsects and often damages a person's sense of who they are on a deeper level. A trained therapist can help you to move beyond the negative effects of abuse and reclaim your self-worth.
- Safe exit strategy
- If you are planning to leave an abusive relationship, make sure you leave safely, with good boundaries in place and a plan to follow that protects you.
- If you are planning to leave the place you're living in, plan in advance for a safe place to go; a place of your own she doesn't have direct access to; or perhaps with friends or family so you're not alone during this difficult time.
- If you live together, you will need to think about which one of you will leave the residence.
- If the residence belongs to both of you, it may be safer and easier for you to leave; a judgement call is required here.
- If it is your residence that you own apart from her, and she is the one that needs to leave, you may need a TRO for your protection and to restrict her access to your home.
- Change the locks immediately and consider other measures for your safety.
- You might consider an electronic alarm system with outside monitoring and a panic response system, if you are dealing with a serious threat to your safety.
- You may want to consult the police department or an attorney once you get a TRO, for assistance in how to appropriately pack her things and get them to her.
- Ideally, you can pack her things and she can retrieve them at a predetermined time, when the police can be present.
- If you would rather she pack her things, do not allow her back in the residence to get her things without the police being present, no matter how calm or remorseful she seems to be.
- The police will often provide what's called a "Safe Escort" so you can return safely to a shared residence to get your things; or she can return to get her things while the police ensure your safety and the safety of the residence and your belongings.
- Make sure your behavior is appropriate at all times and that you take all the steps toward separation safely.
- If your local police doesn't have a "Safe Escort" policy, ask them if they will do this for you anyway. It never hurts to ask and maybe they will consider making it a policy afterall.
- Once she is out and away from you, don't allow her back in.
- If there is no TRO in place, and a meeting is really necessary, always meet in a public place, where there are a lot of people, making sure others know where you are. Consider taking someone with you. Do not accept any last minute changes to an existing plan that may alter your degree of safety.
- Remember, the abuse may have been on her terms but your separation from it is on your terms; she's not calling the shots anymore.
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Additional Risks of Keeping the Status Quo
- If you decide to leave things as they are, it is certainly your choice to do so – it is your life after all. However, it is important to know, abuse tends to escalate over time into more dangerous territory. There is always the risk the abuse will escalate in a particular moment and that something will go very wrong, with serious consequences.
- Abusers are often victims of abuse at some point in their lives. Be careful that you do not become abusive in response to her abusive behavior toward you. People have limits and you are no exception. Over time, exposure to abuse will take a toll and you may begin to see abusive tendencies in yourself. If you reach a breaking point and strike back, you will be held responsible for your behavior regardless of how you may have been driven to it. Only you can make sure this doesn’t happen. Separating yourself from the abuse you’re enduring is the most critical step.
- Any children exposed to the abuse you are enduring will have negative effects from this and may require professional help to get past this experience. Despite all your attempts to shelter them and hide it from them, they know. Make no mistake, they are living with it too. And please bear in mind, exposing children to violence may constitute a “failure to protect” in the eyes of the legal system, for both the abusive parent and the victimized parent. The law always expects you to act in the best interests of your child and to protect them from harm and harmful influences.
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Assistance for Family and friends
If someone close to you is being abused or mistreated by the woman in his life, here are some things you can do:
- Realize he may be embarrassed and reluctant to talk about it; be sensitive in your approach.
- Acknowledge how difficult the situation must be for him.
- Talk with him openly, expressing concern for his safety, well-being etc.
- Avoid making speeches - talk with him not at him, and be a good listener.
- Don’t say harsh, demeaning things about the woman he’s involved with.
- Let him know he is not alone, other men do have this problem, and there is help available.
- Reinforce the idea that there is no place for abuse in a love relationship and that emotional abuse and physical violence are never okay.
- Direct him to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) for resources in his local area.
- The National Hotline will gladly take phone calls from any concerned family member or friend, and will provide information and resources for you as well, so you may better help the person you are concerned about.
- Be ready to help him, if you can, to put a safe exit plan together, to manage the details with care.
- Direct him to this website, from a safe computer location, for further information and resources.
- Provide a copy of Trapped In Silence for him and encourage him to read through it.
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